Positive things that came from my psychosis.
I was twenty-one years old when reality stopped making sense. What followed was life-altering psychosis that was intensified by substance use, alongside trauma, a relationship ending, and the truth I learned about my adoption. Everything I thought I knew about myself began to unravel. I didn’t just lose my mind; I lost my footing in my own life. Now I write about lived experience, trauma, identity, and what it actually takes to rebuild after collapse. It's been a year since I was in psychosis, and it took so much effort to recover the way I have. Instead of sharing what it felt like being in psychosis right now, I wanted to share the positive changes I've noticed.
For me, pattern recognition improved once I was stable again. In psychosis, a lot of the patterns I was recognizing were delusions. This new pattern recognition is separate. It applies to real life. I notice more connections in communication, or the lack of it, and it makes me more intuitive in my interactions. After I notice, I set different boundaries to redirect behaviour and aim to protect myself. I am also more intuitive about my health. I am easily able to recognize what my body needs, when it needs it. That could include rest, spending time with others, or adjusting my medication.
I developed a deeper awareness of others struggling. I have a family member who has gone through a psychiatric disorder. I thought it would not happen to me despite how close in relation we are. I thought I just wouldn't have to deal with it because I had many different diagnoses. I was wrong, and once it happened to me, I was much more open-eyed about the reality my community faces. Don’t get me wrong, I was as educated as the average person would be on different types of mental illness and what they are. Until I lived it myself, I didn’t know what it felt like to be in that condition. Afterwards, I understood the longing to conform to society and what it feels like to be stuck somewhere you are afraid of. I know how much it hurts to feel all the emotions and try to comprehend thoughts while in a crisis. You eventually grow out of where you stumbled, and it hurts a little less each time you think of it.
Psychosis granted me a blank slate. I had weakened skills; I felt crushed by my regression. Because I had nothing I was tethered to, I was able to hone in on hobbies and skills that made me happiest. I was lucky to choose where to steer my life after I lost what was destroyed by illness. It took me a long time to feel like I could be capable of choosing a direction for my life. Slowly, day by day, I gained strength and energy, which helped propel me where I needed to be to put plans into action.
For me, there was an increased sense of creativity. At first, I lost it all. I didn't want to do anything that would express my loss of reality. Slowly, as I recovered, I started going to art classes as a way to get out of the house. Some were accommodated for the new disability I developed. Each class increased my confidence in myself. After those classes, I began pottery as a hobby and future side hustle. In the beginning, while learning pottery, I doubted that I would ever be good enough to sell anything. It took many months, but now I'm preparing to sell my goods this coming spring. Secondly, I also had an easy time writing new music. I had written before, since I was very young. Before my psychosis, I had about a dozen songs written and planned. After psychosis, I was able to double the number of songs within months. Most songs are not even about my psychosis. I am proud that I was able to come out of such a tragedy scarred but resilient.
I developed more strength in the bonds that I kept. Family and friends stood by me even after my psychosis directly affected them. They stood by me and supported what I am aiming for in my future. Some relationships took time to heal, which I understand because I needed time too. Friendships now mean so much more than they did before I got sick. I have a grasp on what I put friends and family through. As I develop more skills to communicate clearly and work through unresolved trauma, I know I will dedicate time and energy to the relationships that slipped away from me during psychosis. This will take time, but I am dedicated to this.
Post-psychosis, I developed a new type of confidence. Before, I had confidence in myself and my abilities. I was confident in my body the way it was before, and with makeup, clothes, and self-expression, I felt like I knew who I wanted to be. After psychosis, I lacked a sense of self. I gained weight, I lost voice projection and had a hard time communicating verbally. With time and exposure, I started to treat myself more kindly and have more patience. Instead of getting mad at myself for not having the capabilities I used to, I give myself a lot of understanding, and I adapt to reaching my goals my own way. I also hold myself differently when I go out. I see myself as someone who’s battled something, not someone who’s lacking something.
I developed more ambition. Before I got sick, I had gone to school twice, never finishing what I started. I knew exactly what I wanted to do the second time around; I didn’t have much understanding or support for it since it seemed so out there. Now that I recovered from delusion, I can see clearly that I was on the right path. Where I was living while in school didn’t have many opportunities to support the career I was aiming for, so when I moved home to Thunder Bay, I knew I would have better options to help uplift me to where I want to be. The drive that I got inspired me to build this website, actually. I was getting a little better than I was
All of these together have made me who I am on this day. 23 years old, just starting to find myself. I’m excited to see where I go, and I know I won't rush it.
𓏲𝄢 Reeceabella